Nicole's Grand Unified Theory of Relationships

There's the Big Things, there's the Small Things and then there's Chemistry.

What's a Big Thing? It depends on you, but politics and religion count for some people. Usually, one or the other will qualify as a Big Thing. The Big Things are your core beliefs, your values or by some people's definition, your morals. Whether or not you want children is definitely a Big Thing. Your acceptance or rejection of the concept of monogamy is a Big Thing. Baggage from a previous serious relationship can be a Big Thing. Your work ethic is often a Big Thing since it affects how you deal with money and how much time you spend at work and at home. I've noticed that respect sometimes rides on that one, and in my experience (Your Mileage May Vary), a lack of respect cannot be overcome by Chemistry in the long haul relationship. In the short-term, however, Chemistry wins every coin toss because at the root of things (heh), it's a biological imperative.

Small Things are likes and dislikes. Food and Music preferences can fall here.[1] Whether you're a morning or an evening person can fall here. As long as it's not done to a level that overtakes your life, smoking, drinking and recreational drug use can fall here. Sometimes we say "oh, I could never marry a morning person", but the truth is that all it takes to trump that card is a successful visit to the lab. In short, anything that can be ignored in a long-term relationship because of the presence of Chemistry is a Small Thing.

Chemistry is a joy unto itself. Chemistry is a force of nature. It can bring two seemingly disparate elements into very close contact. It comes from the reptile brain behavior that is sniffing for genes or pheromones or whatever it is that gives you that fluttery feeling that when reciprocated results in Hot Monkey Love. Sometimes, we have NO earthly idea why we want to have sex with that person, but damn if we don't want it bad.

So herein lies my theory. I admit that it's a little like Rock Paper Scissors, but it's the way I look at the world and why else would you be reading this if you didn't have at least a passing interest in that?

Friendships:
Friendships require either Small Things or Big Things. More than a little Chemistry is actually a problem here since it will make it difficult to deal with each other honestly. It may also give one person power over the other and this will make staying friends difficult. All that is required for a long-term friendship is the Small Things or the Big Things. With your bestest friend in the world, you might get 'em both. One difference on a Big Thing *can* beat all the Small Things to a bloody pulp, particularly among stubborn people. If you really want to stay friends, you just won't talk about that thing.

Fuck Buddies:
All you need for this one is Chemistry, but the Small Things will extend the relationship towards Boyfriend-Girlfriend[2]. Even one Small Thing is all that's needed for an excuse to pick up the phone, after all. Most people aren't willing to accept a relationship that involves no basis for conversation at all, but I concede that it's quite possible. Sometimes, BIG Chemistry can exhaust itself leaving you with just each other. This can result in you finding out that you have a lot of Small Things or some Big Things in common after you take the time to notice more than just the sex (and &diety knows it's a powerful distraction from...well...everything). Walla, now you have a new friend instead of a sex partner.

Having difficulty telling this one from the Boyfriend-Girlfriend[3], Living Apart stage? If your partner is keeping you or the sex itself a secret from his/her friends, you are Fuck Buddies, not Boyfriend-Girlfriend. Non-destructive extra-relationship affairs fall into this category. If they fall into one of the others (except a friendship, which by definition does not involve sex), your current relationship is about to undergo an attack.

Boyfriend-Girlfriend, Living Apart:
For this one you need Chemistry and the Small Things. To continue to the next level, the Big Things will be needed. Sometimes, people are fooled into thinking that someone is "The One" by the ease afforded by having ALL the Small Things in common. Later, as they get past Chemistry and into the stage of meeting each other's family[4], the differences in The Big Things become apparent. Having a mismatch on one Big Thing can stop the relationship in it's tracks, but it isn't always that way. If it is overcome, it becomes a small thing. For instance, your partner is a Jew and you are some flavor of Christian. You decide to renounce your religion or they decide that any future children will be exposed to both. Congratulations, you've made religion into a small thing. Not everyone can do that.

Boyfriend-Girlfriend, Living Together:
You probably won't get to this point unless you have a few Small Things in common, but it is possible for the combination of Chemistry and laziness or convenience to push a relationship to this level. You will now find out what's a Small Thing and what's a Big Thing in your particular situation[5].

Marriage[6]:
Often, just the act of planning a wedding will bring out all sorts of Small Things and Big Things resulting in the condition called Cold Feet. You get to find out what kind of terms your partner is on with pretty much ALL of their family members. You have to deal with church affiliations or the lack thereof. You have to figure out how you can get all your Small Things together to throw a party that you can both be proud of and enjoy. Obviously, lots of people get past that and get married anyway, but some don't. Don't go here with out meeting the parents unless, of course, they are not living. If your partner says his family "might as well be dead", you need to accept that there may be a big issue looming on the horizon here. If you know you've got the Big Things, then it's safe to ignore.

For this one to work, you need some Chemistry and the Big Things. Small Things will make your life easier, but they can be overcome because, ultimately, they are small. If you're lucky enough to find all three, for &diety's sake, go ahead and make it official. You tend to find all three in people with whom you used to be great friends but have now acknowledged the Chemistry. People with only Chemistry and Small Things wind up divorced.

I don't know why people with no Chemistry would get married, but if you've gone and done it (maybe the Chemistry disappeared after marriage but you still love each other), you damn well better come to an agreement on one big thing: your opinions on the value of monogamy. People with no Chemistry wind up cheating on one another when they stumble across Chemistry with others.