Eat the Roach!

So inspired was I by Pamie's Pus Entry that I thought I'd work on a yarn about a disgusting thing that happenned to me about...gosh...seven years ago. I can feel it like it happenned yesterday.

Once upon a time, I lived in a loft at 1049 N. Paulina in Chicago. This building had previously done something with upholstery. It was a 'real' loft building in that it had very heigh open rafters, factory windows and very old wood floors. And steam heat. God, I miss steam heat.

We were not on the top floor, and like the other loft I'd lived in, the floors were relatively open. If someone's tub was leaking, it came down into your loft, if you lived below them. If they had bugs in their kitchen or anywhere else, they could come right through the floor.

As bug infestations went, this building was about average. This means that you'd see a roach occassionally, but you didn't actually find them in your cereal. If you've ever lived in a large city, you just learn to deal with them[1]. If you see one, you squash it. If you seem them every day (or if you see a lot of...movement...when you turn on the lights), then it's time to lay down some Boric Acid.[2]

Well, one day a small group of us were sitting in the living room area of the Paulina place drinking beer and spinning tunes. I put my beer down on the couch between sips. At one point, I picked it up and drank out of it. As I was tipping it into my mouth, I saw something in the beer, but it was too late to stop the drink. Also, my brain registered "paint chip or something". Well. Imagine my surprise when this thing hit my tongue and it was moving. I reached in and grabbed it. It was a roach of medium size (about 1"). Now I had a roach in my hand and I had just had one in my mouth. My horror was unparalleled.

I wish I could say that I squashed the fucker, but I just shook my hand to get it OFF. It was gross enough that it was in my mouth, now it had the audacity to stick to my hand! Once the little bastard was dealt with, I rinsed, I brushed, I rinsed, I brushed, later rinse repeat until my tongue started to burn from all the toothpaste. I was just shuddering over this for the next 24 hours. I could not be consoled by my friends pointing out (after they'd had their laughing fit at my fate) that there were insect parts in almost everything, etc.

The moral of the story is that you should always keep track of the integrity of your beer. Especially if you're somewhere that bugs fall down from the ceiling.[3]

[1]My first apartment (525 West Surf, if you're counting) had roaches the size of palmetto bugs. The sightings of bugs that size were infrequent but always shocking. The landlord actually had the nerve to say "those aren't roaches, they are waterbugs". Whatever. They are big and ugly and I want them gone. I was later to inherit an apartment from which the tenant had been evicted (1456 West Addison). Oh.my.god. The first time we came in there and turned on the lights in the kitchen, it was like we interrupted a roach convention. They were even all over the windows. This problem was solved by covering the whole kitchen floor with Boric Acid right before the landlord put down a new subfloor (the previous tenant had destroyed it).

[2]Spraying is ineffective, and I have allergies to all the professional grade chemicals. When your neighbors spray, all the bugs come to your apartment -- they don't die. Boric Acid is sort of like diatomaceous earth. They carry it back to the nest and it kills everything by gradually destroying their exoskeletons. Yeah, I know it sounds disgusting, but you only need to inherit a real roach problem *once* before you learn that the only approach involves no mercy.

[3]The title of this entry is actually the title of a Didjits[4] song that can be found on Full Nelson Reilly. Considering that Rick Sims always started shows by yelling the phrase "Who's ready to get high?", I think he's talking about a different kind of roach. That said, I've known a lot of stoners in my life and I've never seen one do that.

[4]Didjits are one of the finest Midwestern punk rock bands that you're likely to find. They are right up there with Naked Raygun. One of NR's best live numbers was Surrender. I would pay good money for a recording of them doing this Cheap Trick classic. It was very, very good. Better than Cheap Trick doing Big Star's In the Street, and that is an excellent cover indeed.

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