June 13, 1997

Most people would feel that I have it easy and that I have no right to complain. Well, I'm going to compain anyway. I'm not sure if I'm complaining about the world exterior to me or if the problem is indeed me. Frankly, since one's unhappiness is usually one's own fault, I suspect it's me.

I don't know if I can live here at all. It's a terrific place for me to work, but it's a lousy place to live. For starters, it's only 71' out right now, but it's so humid that I can barely breathe. Welcome to summer in DC. Really, it's like I moved to St. Louis, a place I swore I would never live after visiting my father there and thinking that the weather was like hell with humidity. On top of all that, I've turned into a yuppie. This really scares me.

I like my expensive car, very much. I love having a mobile phone - they are astoundingly convenient, but I've become *everything I used to hate*. I make twice the money I made in Chicago, and my standard of living is a little higher. I'd be a rich woman in Chicago, but the here the rent's expensive, I spend more on a car (when I was married, we shared a car that cost this much, but that would be impossible with me and Tino's present employment situations), groceries are pricey here now that I don't live in the breadbasket of America, but overall I live very well. I can't believe it took me until age 31 to have the "money can't buy happiness" experience. If I'd realized this when I was younger, I could have put myself on another path. Since I suddenly got the urge to have a permanent job, maybe it's a sign that I've ceased to feel that I'm a part of something. I like being well compensated, but I'm doing that yuppie thing of working to be a good little consumer instead of working for my own satisfaction. I did not do this on purpose, and it didn't happen all at once, but it has happenned.

I hope I don't do something stupid because of these feelings, but I usually react severely when I realize "I'm unhappy and I've been that way for months. This MUST CHANGE RIGHT NOW." That's how I wound up getting divorced. While I think that was the right decision, I had this same realization that "I'm not happy, I've taken a wrong turn, I must fix it NOW." And I did, but it wasn't pretty. Also, I don't think it would have been any easier for anyone if I'd taken my time with it.