Snuh

So, I went to see Amanda, and she seems to be doing pretty well. She looks healthy, and she seems like herself. I'm just stunned at how well my two friends have handled their life-threatening health crises this year. Both of them are my age, and I can tell you...I'd be a bigger baby. They seem to be very matter of fact about all the things they've been through. I'm terrified of doctors, but as I see them recover and not completely freak out, it makes me feel better.

It's a total fucking miracle that you can just bolt organs on to people like that. It's truly an amazing thing to see. I know she's still not used to being fed a tray of, basically, sugar, but I'm guessing that not worrying about blood sugar and insulin after 20-some years of doing so is going to be pretty cool for her. Never mind the fact that she was only on the list for one month before receiving a new pancreas and kidney.

I said it last week, and I'll say it again: I am SO lucky. I'll tell you though, my fear of doctors and hospitals does make me take better care of myself. And both of those aforementioned women were (totally inadvertently) responsible for my realizing that being that fat was a stupid health risk to take and a waste of the excellent genetic card I'd drawn from the deck of so many possible futures.

While we are on that fat thing...

I was really surprised to find out that Tino still thinks I hate the way I look.[1] When there was 35 lbs more of me, I did hate the way I look.[2] Now, that said, I'm not in love with my personal appearance, but I don't hate it.[3] I do hate the way I look on camera, but it's because I don't feel it represents me at all fairly. That said, there are things I don't like about myself, but they aren't appearance based. I wish I were a more generous person by nature. I wish I were a more cheerful, outgoing person. I've tried to change these things about myself, but I'm unable to do so. I often feel bad later about my behavior, about little things that maybe no one else even notices. I hate that I do things and say things that I feel bad about later, AND I hate that I feel bad about them.

On a different subject, I've noticed that I have been seeking photos of the journalers whom I read. I didn't used to care about that, but now I'm unaccountably curious. There are reasons why I haven't put any pictures of myself on line.