Advice for Tourists in DC

Don't miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame
Find and use the dining car on the Metro
If the cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free
Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on the mall by the Lincoln Memorial
Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist "Scratch & Sniff" room at the National Gallery of Art
Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the Arlington National Cemetary bring your own shovel
Help keep the nation's capital clean: after entering the Metro through the turnstyle, deposit your used fare card in the trash can
If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you'll be back at your desired exit!
Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the President to laugh
The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol.
Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life!
Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court
Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many good-looking unmarried men
For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften" them up before using the Metro card machines
When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city.
There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building
If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor's office or residence and ask for some Coke
To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM
Going to the zoo? Don't forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for a refreshing dip in any of the zoo's conveniently located moats
Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree
In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before proceeding.